I Am Not Undecided

Oct 20, 2016

“What are you hoping for from this third debate?” the interviewer asks a panel of undecided voters.

“I just want Donald Trump to grow up a little and talk about the issues,” says a self-described grandmother.

“I want Hillary Clinton to show some sympathy and empathy and to understand why I’m so angry,” says a millennial woman.

“Yeah,” says a man in his 30s, “The one thing I like about Trump is that when he hears something he doesn’t like, he just reacts — like me.”

“And which one do you think is more likely to happen,” the interviewer follows up, “Trump sounding more grown up or Clinton showing more sympathy?”

“Oh I think Donald Trump can do it,” they all agree. “I mean, I hope he can do it. Hillary is just too dyed in the wool politician — practiced, rehearsed. I don’t think she can say anything spontaneous.”

This election cycle feels like a really, really long dysfunctional family dinner. In my personal life, I’m working hard to get a handle on my reactive emotions — to take a more grown up approach to disagreements in my marriage. “When members of a couple are only focused on what’s wrong with the other, and not on the self, no progress can be made. The couple will just remain stuck,” reads the latest relationship guide that I’m finding helpful. I know, I know, it feels so good to yell and scream and speak one’s hurt feelings. It does — for a minute. It’s so good not to hold it inside any longer. And sometimes when you just can’t say it strongly enough, you even have to smash a plate for emphasis.

And then what?

I have yet to experience the dream of being scooped up into loving arms after such an outburst — to hear that it’s okay, I understand, your feelings are natural and everything will be okay. In reality, screaming accusations is largely off-putting to the receiving party.

What works better is to think about what you want to say before you speak.

It helps to do some research about what has worked well for others when they’ve been in the same situation. It helps to admit your faults and accept responsibility for mistakes you’ve made in the past. It helps to adopt a calmer demeanor and to let the other person speak their truth too. It helps to get really clear about what your goals are, what you believe in and what good you wish to achieve in the world. It helps to say, “How can I help?”

Historically, it is grossly unladylike for a woman to have a point of view, to think well of herself to the point that she will not allow mistreatment and to stand in her truth. Women are flexible. They can bear criticism and internalize it. As the mother of boys, I am sometimes astounded to hear how easily my seven year old owns his abilities. “I’m really good at soccer. I made most of the goals today. I actually did. It’s true.” As a teacher of dance, I also notice how thrilled we are when boys make progress. Even as I try to speak to my students equally, I do notice that accomplishments by girls are treated as a given whereas boys are more celebrated for doing the very same. We root for boys differently.

So here we are. If political candidates are surrogates for the citizenry they wish to serve, then Donald Trump is the boy we are rooting for. He is screaming on our behalf about all the things that make us mad. Hillary Clinton strikes me as someone who’s done her share of couple’s counseling. She is someone who has internalized a lifetime of learning. If the rules say that we don’t like our women to misbehave, she will be the best behaved woman you’ve ever seen. If thoughtful planning is more effective in the long run, she will stand in her plan and let the storms rage around her.

I am so ready. Listen, America, let’s just try this one. Let’s calm down. Let’s see how it works to have a really smart woman lead with all the wisdom she’s accumulated on her own and inherited from our collective female history. Don’t worry about Donald. He’ll be fine. Someone will pay him loads of money to take his picture — as scowling as you like — maybe even smashing some plates.

I understand you’ve been hurt. Your feelings are natural. Everything’s going to be okay.

Hillary, how can I help?